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June 5, 2010
This piece came to mind because I am often surprised by how many people haven't really thought about what type of position is the best fit for them. When I ask candidates or clients the question, "Describe your ideal position," I often get answers such as, "I am pretty much open to anything," or "I am not really sure." These answers are reasonable for recent graduates, but for more senior individuals, it is important to have a well-thought out answer when asked to describe your ideal position.
There a few reasons it's beneficial to know what type of position is the best fit for you. First, you should target positions you know will bring you happiness and fulfillment. Being miserable in a job can have a negative impact on all aspects of your life. Why not love what you do? Second, recruiters and hiring managers are impressed when candidates can clearly articulate their ideal position. Third, having a target job in mind helps you streamline your job search. Instead of spending time randomly applying for any job that sounds reasonably appealing, you can focus on applying for jobs that match your skills and experience.
How do you figure out what your ideal position entails? Introspection is the key. By asking yourself the following questions below, you will have a better understanding of yourself and the type of job that will be the best fit for you.
1) What are my strengths? If you don't know what your strengths are, think about the positive feedback you have received from managers, co-workers, and friends. What are you naturally good at? When do you tend to shine the most?
A few years ago I met a Software Architect who told me he made a major career change and went from working in academia to becoming a Project Manager for a large company in the software industry. When "Project Manager" came out of his mouth, we both started laughing together because it was clear this type of role was not at all the right fit for him. After a few years of struggling as a PM and not being at all happy, he finally transitioned to a Software Architect role. In this new role he really thrived and found a much more natural job fit.
2) What are my motivations for wanting a certain title or position? If you want to become a manager for example, think long and hard if this is the right position for you. Do you possess strong interpersonal skills? Are you passionate about developing people and helping them reach their full potential? Are you comfortable with conflict? Do you exude a confidence that makes people believe in you as a leader? Are you at ease making final decisions when the answers aren't always clear? These are just a few questions to ask yourself if you think the management path is the right one for you. For other types of positions, think about what traits and skills are required to be successful. Then do an honest self-assessment to determine if you possess these same traits and skills.
3) What type of work energizes me? Think about your current position and past positions. What aspects of these positions did you love? When you are truly passionate about what you do, you look forward to going to work each day. If the alarm goes off and you think, "Great, another day at the office….sigh," it's time to think about making a career change.
A couple of weeks ago I was speaking to a fellow colleague in Human Resources and his passion was truly contagious. He said, "I can't believe I get paid to do what I love every day." How many people are this energized and passionate about their jobs?
4) If you could do anything and not worry about a paycheck, what would you do? If fear didn't stand in the way, what changes would you make in your career? Maybe you would go back to school, start your own business, or ask for a promotion.
A common theme I see with my clients is that they want to make career changes but they are terrified of doing so. What are my clients afraid of? Failing. Disappointing others. Making a mistake. Giving up a title or salary. These are just some of the issues that have come up in my coaching practice. When you really take a step back and disengage yourself from fear, you realize just how powerful fear factors into the decisions you make about your life. Once you are able to overcome fear, all of a sudden the whole world opens up.
As a personal note, when fear ruled my life, I felt like the clown trapped in a jack-in-the-box with the lid tightly sealed shut. I was quite unhappy and felt my soul was dying. Once I addressed fear and moved past it, I made significant changes in my life that prompted the jack-in-the-box lid to spring open. With fear no longer suffocating me, I felt free and saw a world of endless opportunities.
5) What type of legacy do I want to leave? This is a question I myself had to ponder after meeting with a Director of a non-profit last summer. She left a lucrative six figure job in the private sector and took a 50% pay cut to become a Director at a non-profit. I asked this woman what prompted her to make such a major career change. She said, "I want to leave a legacy and this new job allowed me that opportunity." I was lucky to meet with this Director a number of times and what stood out about this woman was her drive and passion. By leading a life of purpose, this Director truly felt she was making a positive impact in the world.
These are just a few key questions to ask yourself before you embark on a job search or begin actively interviewing. The more introspective you are, the better decisions you will make about the next steps in your career.
February 21, 2010
What is Your Definition of Success?
A few days ago I asked a client to do some introspection and envision what a successful life would look like to her. I wanted this client to define success on her own terms, without the outside noise of the material world exerting any influence on her answer. This client wanted to make a career change but was struggling to let go of a prominent position she held. On one hand she knew if she made a career change she would more than likely be much happier; however, on the other hand, she struggled with feeling like a failure for giving up on a position she worked so hard to secure.
All too often people base their so-called "success" in life on whether or not they have a certain title, make a certain amount of money, possess certain material things, etc..When we look to the outside world to define how successful we are, we ultimately set ourselves up for disappointment. Once we have "made it" in the world, we expect to feel fulfilled and happy, but instead we may feel a sense of emptiness that penetrates us to our core. The reason is because happiness and fulfillment only come from within.
A successful life is one that involves being true to who you are and following your own path. I learned this the hard way when a relationship ended in my twenties with my ex telling me, "All you care about is money, power, and material things." His parting words lit up a flurry of red-hot anger inside of me. I thought, "How dare he say that!" When clarity emerged after the storm of emotions passed, I realized to a certain extent my ex was right. When people say something that evokes anger within us, it is often because there is a kernel of truth in their words. In my twenties I thought a certain title and salary would make me happy. Little did I know how much I would learn the next few years.
This particular break-up forced me to turn inward and take a hard look at my life. During this period of time, I asked myself the following questions.
1) What do I want my life to stand for?
2) What type of life will make me (not anyone else) proud?
3) What does being true to myself mean?
4) What type of life will bring me the most joy?
5) Can I still be my natural goal-oriented, driven self and also be a spiritual individual?
The answers to these questions did not miraculously come to me during a magical moment of inspiration. Instead it took a significant amount of internal work and a number of life experiences to help me formulate my own definition of success. The life I thought I wanted a few years ago is much different from the life I presently strive to lead. I now feel my life has a purpose and I am living for something greater than myself. I no longer base my self-worth on what others think of me or the whether or not I achieve something. Instead I feel an immense sense of satisfaction knowing my own core values and my own notion of success are what guide me along my path.
December 15, 2009
Are You Comfortable Being Uncomfortable?
If you feel too comfortable in life it probably means you are not growing as an individual. By nature growth is uncomfortable. As a child I experienced Charley Horses, otherwise known as growing pains, in my legs. I would wake-up in the middle night because I was uncomfortable. This is part of growing. Whether it is physical, spiritual, emotional, or mental growth, if you want to evolve and develop as an individual, be prepared to experience a certain level of discomfort.
Particular situations can invoke a considerable amount of uneasiness. Whether it involves moving, changing or losing a job, attending a social event alone, or trying a new sport, all of these situations are examples of ones that may force us to step outside our comfort zone. By embracing each new situation we encounter with open arms, we ultimately triumph over fear. If we never allow ourselves to move beyond fear, we will remain stagnate, flat, lifeless. This is because fear stunts our growth.
Interacting with people who trigger feelings of discomfort can also be a means of growing. Our greatest teachers in life are often individuals who make us uneasy. If we are conscious enough, these individuals will awaken, or remind us, of the areas within ourselves that are not yet fully developed. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, ask yourself, “What feelings come up when I am around this person?” Before you judge someone and think, “I just don’t get that person,” or “I can’t stand that person,” try to be patient instead of immediately reacting. Be patient and gentle with yourself as you decipher where you need to grow so your internal fire alarm is no longer set off by certain individuals.
The more loving and accepting you are of yourself, the more loving and accepting you will be of others. As self-awareness and self-love increases, you stop focusing on what’s wrong with so-called “difficult” people in your life. Instead you focus on what needs to shift within you to prevent future fires from festering. It’s easy to look outside ourselves but much more challenging to look within. A key element to self-growth however is introspection.
With the new year approaching, it can be a time to reflect on whether or not life has become too comfortable. If so, take an inventory of your life and figure out how you can became more uncomfortable. Ask yourself questions such as: Have I taken a risk lately? Have I tried to look at life with a fresh set of eyes? Have I done something I was afraid to do in the past?
Finally, ask yourself, “How will I challenge myself to grow in 2010?"
November 1, 2009
Happiness at Work: The Importance of Finding the Right Cultural Fit
One of my clients contacted me in a state of despair because she was plagued with fatigue and was struggling to get out of bed for work. The source of my client's unhappiness wasn't obvious from the start and it took some digging to discover the root of the problem. My client said she really enjoyed her job and felt it was a good fit. We then moved on to her manager. She said he supported her and was a strong advocate for her. From what my client shared, I really believed her manager had her best interests in mind and viewed her as a valuable member of the team. I scratched my head wondering what was going on with my client at work. There was something related to work that was draining my client's energy.
My client then made a comment that opened the door to an explanation. She said, "I feel I am too soft at work." When I probed a bit more I learned the organization she worked for encouraged highly aggressive, sometimes ruthless behavior. My client exuded a quiet confidence and really struggled with the overt bull dog behavior her coworkers exhibited on a daily basis. In order to try and "fit" with the culture of her company, my client was exhausting herself by trying to be someone she wasn't. When I suggested that the company she worked for wasn't a cultural fit, the light bulb went off. After two years of thinking something was wrong with her, mainly that she was "too soft," she realized there may be another company where she could be successful by showing up as nothing but herself.
A few weeks later I had another session with this client and I Iearned she received an offer from a competitor. I asked her how she felt during the interview process. She said, "I felt relaxed and completely comfortable. In two years with my current employer, I have never felt that way." Leaving one of the top companies in the world wasn't easy for my client. On one hand she had attached some of her self-worth to working for such a well-known company. On the other hand, her self-worth was slowly deteriorating because she wasn't being true to her most authentic self. My client accepted the offer from the competitor because she knew her health would continue to suffer if she stayed in her current job.
In one of my favorite books on leadership, True North by Bill George, Amgen's current CEO, Kevin Sharer, is used as an example of someone who realized the importance of cultural fit. When Sharer worked for MCI, a company that proved not to be a cultural fit, he said the cultural was, "...mean-spirited and at your throat. It was eating me up as I was becoming less effective and less committed to the company. If your values are not consistent with the people you're working with, you should not be there." My client learned the same lesson as Sharer and as a result, she made a much needed change.
I strongly believe you should grow in a job and work on your weaknesses; however, I also strongly believe you shouldn't have to change the core of who you are in order to fit with a company's culture. A valuable lesson I have learned is that your most authentic self at work often leads to your most successful self at work.
October 16, 2009
What is Your Greatest Fear?
Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate but that we are powerful beyond measure.....as we let our own light shine, we consciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates others. - Nelson Mandela
A few years ago a recruiter I became friendly with asked me, "Colleen, what is your greatest fear?" I sat there thinking for a few minutes but couldn't come up with an answer. I am definitely not a fearless person, which is something I found out when I tried rock climbing in high school. When the climbing instructor wouldn't lower me down to the ground, I gave a rather dramatic, emotionally-fueled show as I gripped the edges of the rocks, holding on for dear life. I found out I have a fear of heights and haven't been rock climbing since my first, and probably last attempt. Besides being afraid of heights, I am also afraid of certain bugs, scary movies, and wild animals that surprise me while running.
I am sure I have a number of other fears that I have either forgotten about or have yet to discover. As for my greatest fear, I finally realized what it was shortly after the recruiter first asked me. My greatest fear is: not living the life I have imagined for myself. Six years ago I attended a retreat and on the vision board I created, I drew a picture of my own business. At the time I wasn't quite sure what type of business I would start; however, I knew by the age of 30 my dream of being a business owner needed to become a reality. Was I afraid to start my own business? You better believe it. I didn't know where to start. I had all these ideas swimming in my head and I wondered if I was crazy thinking I could successfully run my own business. The one thing I knew for sure though is that I absolutely needed to pursue my goal or I would severely regret not doing so. Failing for me was better than never trying. I didn't want to look back on my life years from now wondering why I allowed fear to run the show.
So many of us are living lives that are dictated by fear. We stay in dysfunctional relationships because we are afraid of being alone. We stay in jobs we hate because we are afraid of change. We put off pursuing a goal because we are afraid of failing. Ask yourself, "What if fear didn't exist in my life?" How different would your life look? What type of life would you be living if fear wasn't in the way?
What we need to realize is that fear is merely a mental construct that we can easily distinguish if we want to. When fear evaporates, our whole world opens up. We see new opportunities that were blind to us before. We feel free and energized by the unknown. We make changes we never thought were possible. From what I have experienced in my own life, and in the lives of my clients is that overcoming fear often leads to finding one's life purpose. Many of us are truly afraid of becoming everything we were meant to be.
So here's to taking risks in life and giving fear a run for its money. You are stronger than fear. You too deserve to live the life have always imagined for yourself!
August 12, 2009
Revive Your Spirit and Increase Your Energy!
Yesterday I spoke to one of my close friends who lives in Boston and she seemed like a new person. The reason? My friend had recently reconnected with her two passions in life: running and reading. For the past two years my friend had been extremely stressed out and rather miserable working 70-80 hour weeks as an attorney for a large firm. An in-house attorney position with a company was presented to her and she accepted the new position without a second thought. Now my friend works more like 50 hours per week which means she has free time to pursue interests outside of work. With her new free time, my friend is training for her 2nd marathon and she is also taking a creative writing/reading class.
At the age of 30 my friend realized her passions had been put on the backburner for a number of years and as a result, she lost sight of what energizes her. When we fail to live a life filled with passion we become listless, unmotivated, and trudge through life. Passion is like fuel for our internal fire. We absolutely need passion in order to feel alive!
Some people are passionate about their work. Ideally we should all be passioante about what we do for 40+ hours per week but I realize this isn't always the case. If we aren't passionate about our work, we should pursue outside interests that challenge us, engage us, and ultimately help us continue to grow as individuals. When people are struggling to find their passions in life, I ask them what activities they used to love to do when they were younger. I also ask people what they have also wanted to try. Maybe it entails taking a cooking class, learning a foreign language, volunteering, or taking up a new sport. Sometimes it takes trying things out before you really find something that lights your fire.
Life isn't meant to be boring. Life is meant to energize us and make us wake-up every morning looking forward to a new day!
So here's to living a passionate life!
August 7, 2009
Is Your Job Making You Sick?
A new client, "Sarah", recently contacted me because she was struggling with extreme fatigue, depression, and overall body aches. When we initially spoke, Sarah told me she wasn't passionate about her job and felt "stuck." Each day the alarm clock would go off and Sarah would dread going to work. For the past six years Sarah stayed in the same job because she didn't know what else she could do. After graduating from college, Sarah took the job because it seemed like the next logical step in life. She never questioned other career options because Sarah's friends and family told her she should take this particular job.
Sarah knew if she stayed in her job her body would continue to break down and her soul would continue to die. What prevented Sarah from quitting? Fear. Sarah felt overwhelmed with the thought of leaving the comfort of a job she could do well. One question after another flooded Sarah's mind: What if she wasn't good at anything else? What if she failed at a new job? What if she never found a new job?
After a few months of working with Sarah, she decided to quit her job and return to school. When I recently spoke to Sarah she sounded like a new person. She was upbeat, optimistic, and excited about her future. Sarah said she felt like her whole world opened up and all it took was having the courage to leave a job she wasn't passionate about. Now one door after another is opening and Sarah has been surprised at all the opportunities out there. To top it off, Sarah's fatigue, depression, and aches have pretty much gone away.
When we remain in jobs that suck the life out of us, our bodies rebel and we become sick. Work should be energizing and should lift our souls instead of cause our souls to die. As in the case of Sarah, all it takes is courage to pursue a new path and trust you will be guided in the right direction.
July 14, 2009
What I Learned While Watching the Tour de France
With each passing day of the Tour, I have been in awe watching some of the most amazing athletes in the world. I keep asking myself, "How do these guys do it?" "How do they stay motivated to train, diet, and push themselves beyond their self-perceived human limits?" As I pondered these questions I realized that staying engaged with life means staying hungry for life.
Each of the Tour participants have this hunger that drives them up one unbelievable huge hill after another. When we lose our hunger for life, we become apathetic. We no longer push ourselves to new limits. We no longer challenge ourselves to tackle the toughest hills. Instead, we may just coast along at an easy pace, barely pedaling as life passes us by.
How does one stay hungry for life? By setting new goals, taking on new challenges, and being open to new experiences. All of these things may bring about a certain amount of discomfort but we need this discomfort to propel us forward and keep us engaged with life. When we become too comfortable in life we stop growing. We lose our appetite. We sleepwalk through life until one day we wake-up and realize we aren't living the life we imagined.
July 7, 2009
Feeling Paralyzed?
A common theme I have noticed with my clients recently is that they feel paralyzed. One client after another has told me they feel "stuck" and don't know how to move forward. During certain periods in our lives we may become consumed with fear. When fear rules our lives we become paralyzed and as a result, we close ourselves off to possibilities. How do we conquer fear? We surrender, let go, and trust. That's it. I know it sounds too simple but once we do these three things, our whole world opens up. The answers come to us, sometimes in the least expected ways.
If we allow ourselves to be consumed with fear, a constant stream of worry floods our minds. These negative thoughts block any spark of insight that may be trying to break through. Instead of playing the same old broken record of bad worry songs, hit the "stop" button and bring peace to your life. Surrender to your current situation and let go of any expectations you may have. Keep the door open and trust the answers will come to you.
June 9, 2009
The Making of a Great Leader
What does it take to be a great leader? This is a question I have been pondering for some time so I started making a list of key characteristics that standout in great leaders. How did I come up with this list? First, I wrote down reoccurring themes I noticed as a recruiter when I asked candidates to describe their ideal manager. Second, I analyzed the great and not so great leaders I have been fortunate to work with during my career in Human Resources. As a consultant I have worked with a number of leaders ranging from CEO’s of start-ups to senior leaders at Fortune 500 companies.
Here is my “top ten” list of what it takes to be a great leader:
1) Great leaders do not micromanage. The reason I listed this characteristic as number one on my list is because about 90% of the candidates I interview tell me they don’t want a manager who micromanages them. Employees want to feel empowered to do their job without having a manager looming over their shoulder, watching and questioning their every move. If you feel the need to micromanage employees, ask yourself these questions: Am I dealing with control issues? Am I having trouble delegating to others? Do I not trust employees to perform to the best of their ability? Am I lacking the talent I need on my team? I read about a recovering micromanager who finally learned to “let go.” The result was a team of employees who flourished once they were free to make their own decisions. Great leaders figure out what their employees need to succeed and then they allow them to fly on their own.
2) Great leaders are positive. Energy is contagious and if you are negative, your employees will soon follow in your footsteps. As a manager you need to be a positive role model for your employees. Does this mean you skip through the halls every day whistling with rose- colored glasses on that cloud your perception of reality? No, but you need to promote a positive environment for your employees and help motivate them to be the best they can be. A leader I personally admire is Alan Mullaly, Ford’s CEO. In a recent article about Mullaly in Fortune, a manufacturing boss said this about him, “Alan bring infectious energy. This is a person people want to follow.” As a leader, strive to be that person employees are inspired to follow.
3) Great leaders are present. If you are in a meeting with your employees or even having a conversation with them, it is imperative your employees understand they are the priority at that very moment. Unless there is a 9-1-1 emergency, this means you don’t answer your cell phone, check your email, or check your blackberry every second when you are meeting with employees. A great leader gives his or her full attention when it’s needed most. You never know what pertinent information you might miss if you let your mind wander elsewhere.
4) Great leaders truly care about their employees. When I was a contract recruiter at Microsoft, one of my favorite leaders told me he decided to move out of his management role and into an individual contributor role when he and his wife had their first child. When I asked the leader why he moved out of a management role when he became a father he said, “I care so deeply about my employees that I knew I couldn’t give everything I had both as a manager and as a father.” When I heard him say this, I thought to myself that, “this leader really takes his role as a manager quite seriously.” As this leader’s son grew older, he eventually moved back into a management role. As a manager you have to figure out how to focus on the bottom-line while also keeping the well-being of your employees in mind. The best managers figure out to develop their employees in a way that is advantageous to the bottom-line.
5) Great leaders are self-aware and introspective. When I interview leaders, I am often surprised at how few of them have an answer when I ask, “What are some of the areas you need to develop in yourself as a leader?” Great leaders take the time to understand their strengths and weaknesses and they regularly work on developing themselves. When a leader lacks self-awareness, there can be negative implications, which can often be quite serious, for the manager’s direct reports and the organization as a whole.
6) Great leaders are engaging. If there is one piece of advice my dad has drilled into my head it is, “Honey, remember to always engage others.” My dad has successfully run his own business for the past 25 years so I trust his advice, plus I have noticed “the ability to engage others” as a trait in great leaders I have encountered. These leaders take the time to get to know their employees and customers on a personal level. Engaging leaders ask pertinent questions, listen more than they talk; and they remember little things about the people around them. A great leader is someone who can engage with employees ranging from those on the front-line all the way to the CFO.
7) Great leaders are accessible. I once worked for a leader who was MIA quite often. It seemed that everything else besides her employees was a priority. This leader often cancelled meetings with her employees, didn’t return emails, and seemed completely aloof. Employees were left to vend for themselves. I also worked with a senior leader who frequently missed biweekly staff meetings. He just didn’t show up with zero explanation. The result of his MIA behavior was a group of frustrated employees. One of the leader’s managers walked into a scheduled meeting, didn’t see the absent leader, and angrily walked out, saying, “Figures.” If you are not accessible, your team’s performance, along with their morale, will suffer. At times your team will need guidance and help making decisions. In these cases you need to be available if at all possible.
8) Great leaders are authentic. I have encountered leaders who have reminded me of cotton candy – all artificial with nothing real to them. Did I trust these leaders? Not at all. The reason is because I never knew what I would get with these leaders. When you are authentic, employees like you and trust you. They know that what they see is what they get. When you are authentic, employees don’t feel you are hiding behind a mask of insincerity.
9) Great leaders keep their egos in check. I recently had to contact a leader for a reference check. When I got off the phone with this individual, I sat there in shock wondering what just hit me. Then I realized a super strong ego just hit me and almost knocked me off my chair. This leader came across as having the need to be condescending, god-like in nature, and extremely arrogant. I was fortunate to be able to speak with a member of this leader’s team, which helped further my understanding what is was like to work for this individual. The team member spoke candidly about how the dysfunctional the team was due to having an ineffective manager. This leader had completely alienated his team because of his ego. Whenever I observe the ego in myself or others, I am reminded how extreme hubris caused the fall of Odysseus in the epic poem The Odyssey. Life will humble you, no matter how invincible you think you are.
10) Great leaders are confident. When I think of a confident leader, a vision of a tree with roots deeply planted into the ground comes to mind. A confident leader is grounded; solid in the person he or she is; and is someone who isn’t deterred by strong winds of adversity.
May 26, 2009
Balancing your Energy Checkbook
I recently had an, “Uh Oh,” moment when I realized by plate was overflowing with too many commitments. As a result of allowing myself to be pulled in too many directions, my internal energy checkbook was out of balance and I was on the verge of bouncing checks due to insufficient funds. My body was telling me if I wasn’t careful, my energy reserves would be depleted, leaving me exhausted and functioning at less than optimal levels.
During the long holiday weekend I was lucky enough to be able to “unplug” at my parents’ cottage in Door County, Wisconsin. Whenever I am in Door County it’s as though my whole body takes a deep breath and I automatically “let go” of anything that may be weighing me down.
This weekend I found myself particularly drawn to the vast bodies of water surrounding me. After a run at Peninsula State Park on Sunday, I wandered over to the edge of the water and stared out at the shades of blue before me. In the shades of blue I surrendered to the universe and allowed myself to be at peace.
For the past few weeks I had been on automatic pilot, completely consumed with life at a 100mph pace. When you are traveling at such high speeds, it can be easy to cruise along without being cognizant of whether or not it may be time to hit the brakes. For me, it was time to let up on the gas pedal and reflect on the direction my life was headed. I asked myself, “Am I committing to things that truly matter to me?” Without any distractions I needed to look at my life and make sure I was allocating my energy to appropriate people and situations. In the never ending purity of blue, clarity emerged and stood before me with an unassuming gaze.
It was in the stillness of the moment that I realized I needed to move forward in my life with a more purposeful intent. Life had thrown some detours my way and I learned what I needed to during these side trips. However, it was now time to get back on track and head in a more straightforward direction to reach my goals.
The next time you find your plate overflowing, ask yourself these questions:
1) Am I devoting time and energy to people and obligations that are truly important to me?
2) Do I have a clear plan for achieving the goals I want to achieve?
3) Does my life feel fulfilling and energizing? If not, what changes do I need to make?
April 16, 2009
Life Lessons
Today I came across this list of life lessons and each one made me stop and think about how I have learned, or not yet learned, these lessons in my own life. While these life lessons are quite simple, I think it’s so easy to get sucked into the whirlwind of life and forgot what really matters.
Ask yourself, “What do each of these life lessons mean to me?”
1. Do what is good.
Recent stories of unbelievable corruption in Corporate America and politics have caused many people to ask the question, “How could these people have engaged in such behavior?” Since I am not a psychologist, I cannot say if mental illness played a role in the actions of these individuals, but I do know these individuals more than likely lost sight of their moral compass. When we aren’t connected to a force within that guides us, we can easily be tempted by forces outside of us. These forces, such as money, power, and greed have a hypnotizing effect on us, causing us to act in completely irrational ways. Our thinking becomes clouded and we don’t know who we are or what our life stands for anymore. In order to “Do What is Good” we must stay on course, stay connected to our moral compass, and not allow the temptations of evil to overtake us.
2. Laugh often.
Recently I have been thinking about how much I used to laugh. Actually, I had a serious case of the giggles when I was younger. When the eruption of giggles started, there was no stopping me from having a full on attack. My face would turn red, tears would start falling, and my stomach would hurt from the laughter overflowing inside of me. During soccer practice my friend Sarah and I devised a technique so we could control our laughter in school. We decided to try and hold our breath and suck our cheeks in as though are life depended on not letting out a peep of laughter. Eventually the lack of oxygen caused us to burst which led to the giggles starting all over again. We tried to be serious but life was much too fun.
After dealing with the ups and downs of life, I realized I have become much too serious with age. Do I like this serious person I have become? Not really. I have lost my connection with my inner child - the silly little girl who used to tell funny stories and make people laugh. While there are times when life should be taken seriously, I also feel the majority of life shouldn’t be taken that seriously.
We need to let go and allow ourselves to be silly and act like little kids. Run through the fields and feel free. Dance around the house like no one is watching. Wave and smile at the irrate drivers tailing you as you go the speed limit. Tell a funny story about an embarrassing moment from your past. Listen to funny people on the radio or watch them on TV. Whatever makes you laugh, do more of it.
3. Care about others.
When our ego rules our world, it is extremely difficult to care about others. I find the majority of people I encounter to be quite selfish and as a result, they are quite unhappy. When you only care about yourself, you will be miserable. Those people who reach out to others are the most happy and fulfilled people in this world. The only way you can truly care for others however is first to care for yourself. Only until you learn to love yourself in a non-egotistical and unconditional way, can you truly care and love others.
Caring for others forces you outside your bubble of a world. You learn to be compassionate, accepting, and non-judgmental when you open your heart to another. Today I challenge you to reach out and care about someone, even if it feels uncomfortable. Your heart and soul will thank you, but most importantly, you will have brightened the life of someone else.
4. Say "I love you!"
Right before my grandfather died he said, “I just want you to know I love you!” I was taken aback by these powerful words spoken by a grandfather who was never overly emotional with me. My grandfather suffered from Parkinson’s disease and as a result, he lost his ability to communicate in a coherent manner. In fact I never really remember having a conversation with my grandfather. The last night I saw him however it was as though an angel spoke through him to say, “I love you!” When I left my grandfather’s room at the assisted living facility where he resided, I crawled into the back of my grandma’s Cadillac and cried like I had never cried before. I felt bathed in loved from a man I knew for so many years, yet never really knew.
Even though my grandfather is no longer physically with me, his spirit comes to my aid whenever I need him. During tough times in my life, my grandfather is my biggest cheerleader. I hear his words, “You can do it! Don't give up!”
The lesson here is: Don’t wait until you are on your deathbed to say “I love you!” If you love someone, tell them, show them, but whatever you do, don’t hold back your love.
5. Believe in yourself.
Let me tell you, some days it’s harder than hell to believe in yourself. Man, I have been there and no how hard it is to keep yourself motivated on a daily basis. There are days you want to take the easy road and not push yourself to reach your full potential. You just feel like settling for a comfortable life, rather than challenging yourself to live your wildest dreams. Believing in yourself takes courage, not to mention guts that can be buried beneath layers of self-doubt.
Whenever I need a boost of inspiration and a reminder to believe in myself, I play the song “Lose Yourself” by Eminem. The opening lines are my favorite part of the song, “Look, if you had one shot, one opportunity, to seize everything you ever wanted, in one moment, would you capture it or let it slip away?”
Your friends may not believe in you. Your family may not believe in you and they may question your sanity. Society may laugh at you. None of these reactions matter. What truly matters is how much you believe in yourself. A funny thing happens when you exude an air of authentic confidence - other people start believing in you too.
6. Grow your spirituality
At the age of 28 I went through what I now realize was a spiritual crisis. A life that used to make sense, have meaning, and make me happy, no longer did. I found myself feeling unsettled, restless, and disconnected. As a result I turned inward and embarked on a spiritual journey that entailed figuring out how to discover a freely flowing raw joy and sense of peace within that was completely independent of anything related to the external world. This was not an easy endeavor because it involved looking at myself and life in a whole new way.
As an intensely driven, achievement-oriented individual it seemed I was on this non-stop treadmill, always striving, reaching, and ultimately trying to force life instead of living in the flow of life. It felt as though I was constantly paddling upstream against a powerful current. I didn't want to look back on my life wondering why I spent so much time in my head worrying, instead of completely immersed in the joy-filled state of the present moment.
My path to becoming a more spiritual individual has involved meditating daily, doing yoga, journaling, and reading as many spiritual books as I can possibly can. I also frequent nature often because I find nature to be an outlet for my soul.
As my spiritual practice has deepened, I have found myself connecting to people on an entire different level. I feel an overwhelming love for people and I am not afraid to allow my love for them to be transparent. I feel very centered and relaxed instead of feeling overwhelmed by the chaotic fury that saturates the material world. Being a spiritual individual has allowed me to widen my vision of life. I experience deeper truths and greater meaning, and as a result, I feel graced by the universe on a daily basis.
7. Act now.
This year I turned 30 and I decided it was the “either now or never” year to start living the life I envisioned for myself. After I found myself unemployed shortly after my 30th birthday, I allowed myself to have a 3 week pity party. Most days I would just lie on my living room floor asking myself questions such as, “What am I meant to do with my life? What is my purpose? How can I create a life of intention and meaning? How can I serve others?”
I told myself that if a position I was waiting on did not workout by October 1, I had to take action and start my own business. Lo and behold, on October 1 a Staffing Manager I was in conversations with called me to say the position I was about to interview for was put on hold.
This news was motivation to get my rear in gear and build the business I had created in my head a year ago. I had doubts about starting my own business, especially considering the state of the economy, but I knew if I didn’t do so, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I could no longer go through life with, “Could have, should have, would have” deadweights pulling me down. I feel each of us has a purpose in life and if we don’t carry out this purpose, our souls will slowly die.
March 17, 2009
Developing Self-Confidence
While a number of different factors can contribute to an individual’s level of happiness and success in life, I think self-confidence is a key factor. What does it mean to be self-confident? It means having a strong sense of self. Self-confident individuals are grounded in who they are and they are comfortable being themselves. Being comfortable in our own skin translates to being confident in our own skin.
In my coaching sessions I have noticed that a number of my clients struggle in making changes and moving forward in life because they are plagued with insecurity and self-doubt. Self-confident individuals are not afraid to pursue whatever they want in life because they believe in themselves, even if the rest of the world doesn’t.
Developing a strong sense of self is a lifelong process that requires a considerable amount of effort. Certain people and certain situations will constantly test our self-confidence. Learn to welcome situations that challenge our sense of self with open arms. What I have found is that when I become too comfortable and need to grow, my sense of self is tested. These challenges are a reminder to take a step back and reconnect with the core of my most authentic self.
How do you develop or increase your level of self-confidence? Below are some ideas that may help:
1) Immerse yourself in uncomfortable situations that invoke fear
When we overcome our fears, our self-confidence increases. I used to be terrified of public speaking. Whenever I had to give a speech, the mere thought of standing in front of a group would send my body reeling in anxiety for days. Somehow I made it through high school and college without having to give too many speeches. Then I started graduate school and it seemed every single class required a presentation. I had to overcome my fear of public speaking real quick, otherwise my grades would have suffered and graduate school would have been one long painful experience.
What I realized is that my fear of public speaking was all in my head. All my “worries” were just figments of my own imagination. Instead of visualizing myself standing in front of an audience feeling confident and in command of the material I was presenting, I would visualize myself standing in front of the audience sweating, turning red, and forgetting what I was supposed to say next. It is no wonder I was petrified of public speaking.
After giving one presentation after another however, I learned to overcome my fear of having “all eyes on me.” I became more comfortable and at ease in front of a crowd. The best way to conquer our fears is to constantly work on them. If we avoid fear-invoking situations, we will never grow and move forward in life. Our fears will ultimately rule our world.
2) Stop the vicious cycle of negative thinking
Our mind is our greatest asset but also our strongest weapon. I think the majority of us are guilty of verbally abusing ourselves on a daily basis. Think about how many times in a course of a day you put yourself down. You may say things such as, “I am not good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, etc.” All of these negative comments drag our self-esteem down, until eventually our self-esteem resides in the gutter.
What I have noticed is that many people are still holding on to comments that people, particularly family members, made to them years and years ago. When we allow others to define us by their hurtful and inappropriate comments, our self-confidence plummets. Developing a healthy level of self-confidence means learning to define your self based on your own terms and conditions. So ask yourself, “Have I allowed others to define who I am?”
3) Love yourself unconditionally
When we don't fully accept ourselves, including the good, bad, and ugly within us, our self-confidence suffers. Forgiving ourselves and being gentle with ourselves are vital ingredients that are needed for self-love.
A few months ago a client scheduled an appointment with me because he wanted to feel more “alive.” This particular client talked about feeling drained and struggling with social anxiety. It seemed there was a root issue my client was dealing with but I was having difficulty pinpointing what exactly it was. Finally my client admitted he had been unfaithful in his last relationship and as a result of his infidelity, guilt dragged behind him like a ton of bricks. This guilt was causing the life to be sucked out of him and it was preventing him from starting a new relationship.
My client and I talked about the power of forgiving ourselves in order to move forward in life. We have all made mistakes, especially in relationships, but we can’t dwell on our mistakes. We must learn what we can from them, figure out how not to make the same mistakes twice, and then move on.
The next time I spoke to this particular client, his energy had been restored and he sounded “alive.” By forgiving himself, my client opened his heart and self-love came rushing in.
4) Don't look to the external material world for approval
When we focus too heavily on trying to please others and trying to prove ourselves to the world, not only will our self-confidence be negatively impacted, we will end up exhausted. No matter what we do or how hard we try, we will never be able to please everyone. Once we are able to accept this simple truth, we will feel quite liberated and will start living our own life.
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